Baby

Dear sweet baby boy,

I remember the night I found out we would be having you. Your daddy was working late and I was packing for our trip to San Fransisco. I thought about telling your daddy you were coming by playing "Baby Baby" by Justin Bieber for him, but I knew he wasn't a Justin Bieber fan. I found a U2 song that had the word "baby" in it. He didn't catch what I meant when I played him the song, but when I told him he was so happy. We talked about you our whole trip to San Fransisco. You were our little secret we weren't ready to share. I was cautiously optimistic and so sick as we waited week after week to share our news. On Christmas we gave our families the calendars that I make for them each year. When they turned to the month of July they saw our announcement of your arrival. Our soon to be July addition. At my first appointment my doctor put me on partial bed rest. It could be worse I thought. I was too sick and tired to exercise anyway. The weeks went by and my stomach grew. Then one day I felt you flutter inside me. I felt you move more and more. Our kids surrounded my tummy gave you kisses and talked to you. I felt you move towards their voices. I felt so much love between you and them. I went to the doctor just past 18 weeks and listened to your strong heartbeat. For the first time I thought you were a boy. I left the doctors office with an uneasy feeling and I had no idea why. The next week I started to feel you push against my hand as I lay in bed. At 20 weeks something changed. I started to feel smaller instead of bigger. I wasn't feeling you move. Last Thursday I started to fear the worst. Friday was supposed to be such a happy day. I knew you were gone, but I didn't want to. We went to our ultrasound appointment on Friday and within a few minutes we knew. We saw you, so perfect, but without a heartbeat. Our hearts were broken. The ultrasound tech cried with us. Then my favorite nurse. We were told I would need to deliver you. We checked in to labor and delivery that night. We didn't know how long it would take to
see you. Around twenty-four hours they said. I had placenta previa and they prepared us that I might have surgery. I hoped to see you I prayed that I would see you. Around 18 hours my water broke. I first saw your foot. Tiny and perfect. With seeing that one little foot I felt more love
than I can describe. The doctor came and after two pushes you were here. Our precious baby boy. You were just under a pound and 8
inches tall. They wrapped you in a blanket and handed you to me. You looked just like your brother Carson. My heart would give anything to have the feeling I had holding you always. They suggested we give you a name. We named you Finn. I wish you could have stayed, but
we know you had to go.